AMBITION IS TOXIC
What is the line between ambition and greed?
One is the desire to achieve, and reach goals that are beyond where you currently sit, and the other is the desire to have more. Both seem to exist in a place of disdain for what is currently available to you, and are rooted in desire.
Is that all ambition is? Greed?
Interviews with celebrities or people we deem successful will tell you that the secret to happiness is learning to be happy when you have nothing. They’ll say they expected fame and fortune and success to bring them happiness, but when they got everything they always wanted they still were not happy. This begs the question: can ambition co-exist with gratitude? I believe it can, but our collective perspective of ambition needs some serious reworking.
I began exploring this idea on the first day I felt truly happy and grateful. After some years of depression, I woke up one day and noticed an excitement about my life and future. As if a light had been turned on in my mind, I could suddenly see that my life had so much beauty and depth. I wish I could tell you what specifically changed, but I honestly don’t know. I started loving my life and appreciating exactly where I was in my story. This feeling has generally stuck and now acts as my foundation. I feel fulfilled most days by life itself. By love for myself, by the sun, by my friends, my family, my partner, my cats, my plants, my writing, my room, skating, blue skies, meeting new people, connection, sex, love, I could go ON. It’s important that I note– this is not every day. Some days I sink into a depression deeper than I thought I was capable of. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed or even wake up. But the foundation of gratitude remains, and even on my darkest days I feel certain they will pass. And on the good days, like today, I feel completely, utterly, and shockingly content with my life exactly how it is.
So I can’t help but wonder: on happy days, do I still have ambition? Does all ambition come from a place of discontent? Sadness? I believe that if you always want more out of life, then you’ll never experience the joy of being alive. This is not a new idea. On my happy days, I feel no need to obtain something externally to achieve happiness or fulfillment. It’s already there, within me and surrounding me. And on my happy days, I feel like being productive. On sad days, productivity looks like work; like all the things I don’t actually want to do. On my happy days, productivity is simply a by-product, or a side effect of my happiness. This productivity includes a multitude of tasks, not just “work”. It could look like going on a walk, working on my business, taking care of my plants, skating, cleaning my house, an in-depth skin care routine, taking a bath, writing in my journal, writing a song, going on a hike, getting lunch with someone, writing for this book, finishing tasks for my job, going grocery shopping, updating my resumes, working out, doing yoga, making myself dinner, planning a vacation, etc. I don’t mean that I do all of those things in one happy day, but if I do even two of them my day feels well spent, and I am content.
I’ve always considered myself an ambitious person; always determined to create the life of my dreams. But now that I am happy, I struggle to find the “why” behind my ambition. I think the ambition I used to know was rooted in fear. A fear of my life staying the same, fear of being bored, fear of never feeling happy or fulfilled or successful. And that fear was rooted in other people’s opinions of me, because I saw my self-worth from everyone else’s eyes. I didn’t know how to create it for myself. I didn’t even know what that could feel like. I was only worth what other people thought of me. I wanted to be successful so people saw me as successful. I wanted recognition and respect and power, I guess. I think I still do in some ways, and I think that’s just human. I used to hate that part of myself, but I’m learning to love my hunger for validation and attention just as much as I love the rest of me. We feed off of each other's energy, when other people love us it’s so much easier to love ourselves. But we don’t need it. And the more I accept this idea, the more I notice my ambition fading. Fading isn’t the right word…
It’s changing.
To what, though?
I think it’s becoming less of “What can I get that I don't have?” and more of “How can I always feel this content, and what is keeping me down?”
Less of “what can I bring into my life?” and more of “What can I take out that isn’t working?”
It’s important to get to a place of feeling like things are working before you can see what isn’t. When I’m doing things that make me happy– loving myself, taking care of myself, loving others and carrying myself with confidence and independence– life begins to move around me in ways that work. I notice doors open, opportunities present themselves, positive and healthy people enter my life, and I get to choose what I want to keep. The negative also becomes much more apparent. The people and the habits and the situations that don’t work suddenly stick out like a withered leaf on an otherwise healthy and thriving houseplant. The solution is as easy as plucking the withered leaf so it does not continue to take nutrients from the other healthy leaves.
Take my restaurant gig, for example. I don’t like working in a restaurant. I don’t like how energetically draining it is. After each shift I’m emotionally, socially, physically, and mentally exhausted. I am grateful for it because I make enough money to afford only working 3 shifts a week, and I value my time above all else. I’m grateful for it because of the freedom it gives me both financially and personally. I’m grateful for my coworkers, for the VIP treatment when I go out because I know other people in the service industry, for the social aspect, for the knowledge of food and beverage I now possess, for the empathy I have learned from working a service job, and for the flexibility of being able to find a job literally anywhere in the world. But I know it doesn’t work for me long-term. When so many areas of my life fill me with love and joy, it’s easier for me to see that this job does not. I know I want to create a path for myself that gives me this personal and financial freedom without needing something as exhausting and stressful as a restaurant job long-term. This motivates me to work harder on starting my business, but that motivation is not rooted in a lack of gratitude for my current position.
And so my ambition has moved away from “How can I get my dream job?” to become “How can I replace this job that does not uplift me with work that does?”
Using this example, I can apply it to all areas of my life that do not bring me joy.
“How can I make more healthy friends?” becomes “Who is consistently unhealthy for me to be around, and how can I let them go?”
“How can I make more money?” becomes “In what ways am I inhibiting my own financial freedom, and how can I change?”
“How can I be happy?” becomes “What am I holding onto that is no longer bringing me happiness?”
And so “What can I get?” becomes “How can I grow?”
And just like that, my ambition is no longer rooted in greed or pride, but is simply a by-product of loving myself, everyone, and everything around me. It’s about finding gratitude for all that I have, and loving myself enough to recognize and let go of what isn’t right for me, or proving to be unhealthy. I think the life of my dreams will naturally form around this theme…actually I know it will.
Because I already have the life of my dreams.
I’m just polishing it.
LOVE, JENNA
